Many people who are deeply loved still end up dying alone. Usually that's not because the people around them don't care - it's because we don't know how to be around death.
I once supported a woman with dementia at the end of her life. She was surrounded by friends and family who came to see her every day, even years after she could no longer recognize most of them. Her husband would walk into the room and say, "Good morning, honey. How did you sleep?" An old coworker would stop by and say, "Let's go for a walk on our lunch break." No one got tired of the routine, even after five years.
That kind of devotion is rare, at least in my experience. More often, the people I see on hospice are deeply loved and still alone at the end, in spite of it.
When I say "talk about death," I don't mean a big formal conversation
I'm not talking about gathering everyone for a huge, serious family meeting. What I mean is much smaller, and it can start with things like:
Getting your will and advance directives done early, because you can die at any time, not just when you're old or sick
Practicing saying the words out loud (and if you can't yet, getting support to help you get there)
Thinking about what kind of life you want when you're older, then working backward so you can start building that now
When you don't talk about death, it doesn't go away. But talking about it can help you create more agency.
Why people avoid it (and why it makes sense)
I've sat with families who had no advance directive and nothing written down, and later someone had to make the call under pressure without really knowing what their person would've wanted. Even so, I understand why people avoid it. Some people believe hope protects you - that saying the worst-case scenario out loud takes something away from the patient who's still fighting, or from a family that isn't ready. Culture matters too: some cultures do death together, through ritual and community showing up, not through a couple of people sitting down with a professional to "talk it through."
Sometimes avoidance is about protecting the relationship, and sometimes it's about protecting ourselves from grief, helplessness, or guilt. So it's less about whether you talk about death and more about whether the people involved feel safe enough to talk about it.
More of us will be the ones in the room
For decades, the hospital was the most common place to die. In 2017, that flipped: home overtook the hospital as the most common place people in the U.S. die. That means more of us are going to be the ones in the room, not just hospital staff.
And when fewer people show up for someone who's dying than they hoped for, it's usually not because the people who love them are cruel. Often, they're scared, unsure what to do, or afraid of doing it wrong.
Invite it, don't force it
There's a difference between a conversation someone is forced into and one they're invited into. If you want to try this, don't wait for the perfect time, because there isn't one - but don't avoid it either. Invite it, and stay curious.
It doesn't have to be "We need to talk about your death." It can be something smaller, like:
"I drove by a car accident earlier and it got me thinking about what I'd want available to me at the end of my life. And now I'm curious about you, too. Have you ever thought about what you'd want if something happened?"
If they say no, that's okay - leave it there. You're not solving it in one conversation, you're making it possible to have one.
If you freeze in the moment
If you understand all of this in theory but your body locks up in real life, that's your nervous system reacting to something heavy. If you want support finding a way into these conversations that fits your family and your culture, I offer a 20-minute clarity call HERE.
Your turn
Before you go, I'd love to hear from you (for you, not as homework):
What part of this do you agree with?
What part do you disagree with?
What's a real-life example you've seen?
If you'd rather watch than read, you can find the video on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HeartontheRise